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On Finding the Time to Write

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 13:57:49 GMT

Realistic Tips for the Modern Human

If you are like me, you have read all sorts of writing advice that says you need to write every day, in solid, scheduled chunks. One of the most popular books about writing, Stephen King's On Writing , emphasizes this, as do most writing blogs, courses, etc. On Writing is one of the most popular and frequently mentioned books on the craft of writing, and to its credit, it is an easy, quick read written by one of the most popular American authors of all time.

But the last time I read it, I found myself sighing in frustration. King mentions a time in his life when he was working full time, but never acknowledges - as far as I can remember - how the average, modern person should manage to fit in solid, daily writing time.

One of the other most common pieces of advice aspiring writers receive says you need to be reading frequently, consuming as much of the written word as possible. I agree with this. Successful writers need be voracious readers. But setting aside time every day to read and write and do all the other things a modern human has to do...well, if you truly believe you have to write and read every single day to be successful, then it is easy to get discouraged.

I want to challenge the idea that to be successful you have to write every day for hours. Okay, so I know I cannot yet be considered a "successful" writer, depending on how you define success (I am unpublished). And of course, the more time you dedicate to writing the faster those projects are going to get finished. I will acknowledge that now. There are certainly advantages to daily writing.

But let's be realistic. Most of us have a lot of responsibilities and not a ton of free time. Sometimes even if we have a little time, we just don't have the brain power to do any solid writing. When I had a full-time job and a long commute I found more time to write than I do now with kids and family. Even then it wasn't easy. It was hard to sit on a computer all day and then come home to more computer time to write.

It will take me a few days just to write this blog. I have a fussy baby in my lap and also have to monitor a sometimes unruly two-year-old (I mean...he's two, you know?). I live in a house full of people. There are endless chores to do, and I'm trying to manage my own business. The thought of fitting in a few minutes of writing time each day often seems unrealistic to me, much less a few hours. I do need to sleep sometimes...

Usually if I find the time to read, I have to sacrifice writing time and vice versa. It is really challenging, and I want to acknowledge this difficulty for those of us who want so desperately to write but find that common writing advice so, so hard to follow. Do not feel like a failure because you cannot fit in time to write every day. Writing should be a passion or a fun hobby, not a guilt-inducing slog.

I have never found the time to write every single day. And guess what? I still finished my book. It took seven years, but it's my first completed project that I feel good about sharing with the world, and I'm crazy happy about it. My business is growing - slowly, yes, but growing. Writing Book 2 of my trilogy is going faster and smoother: when I sit down to write I know what I'm doing and where it's going.

Yet I have even less time to write, and I go weeks without touching it. Yup, WEEKS. Sometimes months, if I am being honest. But I did finish writing a novel and that feels like an incredible accomplishment. I feel like a success already, and I know it is only going to get better.

So here are my tips for the modern human who wants to finish that writing project but just cannot find the time:

1) Daydream . This is how I wrote most of my first book...years before I ever put a word on the page. I thought about it...A LOT. I wrote and rewrote whole scenes in my head over and over again. Sometimes I have whole sentences or paragraphs written and memorized in my head before I write them down. Do not underestimate the advantage of this: think about your story while stuck in a traffic jam, washing dishes, folding clothes, showering. Then when you do get a minute to sit down and write, you will not have to waste time longing for a muse and watching a blinking cursor. You will already know exactly what needs to go on the page.

2) Scribble . When I was working, sentences or ideas would come to me, and I would take a minute to write them down in a notebook I kept nearby. My 15 minute breaks were often spent writing down scene outlines. I still have a stack of notebooks with these scattered scenes. I would take my notes home and transfer them to a digital document when I got a chance. This is another great way to avoid wasting writing time, while also serving as a kind of first, rough draft of a scene. When I went to write those scenes in a Word document, I would be able to perfect them further, effectively creating a second draft. Keep a notebook with you at all times. You won't regret it!

3) Schedule a weekly time and place . Instead of trying to force myself to squeeze in time every day to write and battling with assorted other responsibilities, I have around two hours scheduled every Wednesday in my favorite coffee shop where I go to work. Having a set time and dedicated location really helps, not only in terms of finding the time to write but also just for my mental health. I recommend this for modern mothers in particular, as we so rarely have time to ourselves to really focus. Set that time and place. Use your network to help you carve out a few hours to yourself each week to work on your favorite hobby, with a nice cup of coffee or tea.

4) Don't rush . I think this is why we often set ourselves up for disappointment: we want to hurry up and get a project FINISHED. But writing, like most art, takes time, and I would argue it takes quality time even more than a quantity of time. If you spend half your writing time beating your head against the desk, it really is not doing you much good. Take your time. Daydream. Scribble. Writing is not a get rich quick scheme. Write because you love it and value your story, and take your time doing it. Enjoy that time instead of rushing through it.

5) If you can't write? Read, listen, and consume stories . Sometimes you just do not have the bandwidth to write. That is a good time to read. I recommend reading in your genre if you are close to seeking publication, but any reading is good for the writer's brain. And if you cannot read? Listen. Audiobooks count. Really need to zone out? You know what...movies and TV shows tell stories too. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and the Angel spin off) is one of my biggest influences, and I am sure I get some of my character building and dialogue strengths from the number of times I have watched that show. I believe that consuming stories of any type will help your own storytelling and world building.

6) Make writer friends . This occurred to me as I was finishing this post, but I think it is worth mentioning. Writer friends can serve as a great source of inspiration. They are also people you can share your work with, often offering a safe space for getting your writing in the hands of someone else. It has helped me stay motivated. And when I'm floundering? I'll shoot an email to one of those friends: how did you manage the query process?! I'll ask. Or I will touch base about how their own editing process is going, and we can commiserate.

I hope this helps some of you create new habits that will get your story across the finish line. I also want you to know you are not alone if you get frustrated by the most common pieces of writing advice out there. Writing every day may be ideal, but it often is not realistic. That does not mean you cannot be a writer. It does not mean you will never finish that project.

You can. You will.

PS It took me four days to write this post!

Write & Edit: Do Editors Who Write Need an Editor?

Wed, 12 Apr 2023 15:16:50 GMT

1000 times YES!

I have been reading so much lately (shout out to four lovely authors who have sent me some great stories), that I haven't been writing. But this is a question I have been thinking about for weeks, because it is something I think is important to discuss on a blog like this one. Do editors who write need editors? Or think of it this way: do writers who edit need editors?

YES. A very emphatic yes. Sometimes it seems that those who write - and especially those who write well - think they do not need editors because they are good editors themselves. It may be true that they do not need deep dive edits. It may be true that they can catch most mistakes. But no writer is a perfect writer. I'll reiterate that: NO writer is a perfect writer. Even Virginia Woolf had Leonard. I bet there are mistakes here and there in my blogs, despite how many times I read them before posting. Everyone who writes needs at least one extra pair of trustworthy and critical eyes to examine their work if they want it to be the best it can be.

This is true for several key reasons. First and foremost, as a writer you are intimately familiar with your own work. You have usually read it so many times that you are blind to the small mistakes: the missing words, the typos, etc. You are so familiar with the work that your eyes really can't see the mistakes anymore; your mind fills in the blanks automatically. You know exactly what is it supposed to say. Only a new pair of eyes can find it all (and let's be real, sometimes one extra pair of eyes isn't enough either...there are all kinds of editors: developmental, copy, content, beta...some of us need a few of these). I have edited my own work countless times over many months, and still, a new reader will find a missing quotation mark or an off word.

Second, you know the story extraordinarily well (you should anyway) including the back story. If you are like me, this is something you have thought about for years. You know where your characters come from and all their assorted baggage (every good character has baggage). You know the context of your world and how your characters relate to it. You know how magic works or doesn't work. Your reader, however, does not have the same information. They can let you know if you are leaving out important back story or necessary world building. I had several readers tell me that a magical component to my book didn't make sense: aha, something I did not even think of and completely glossed over.

Why would your character be so reticent to enter into this relationship? Oh, well it turns out they were in a toxic relationship for years. Maybe that is something your reader needs to know. Alternatively, perhaps you are giving away too much information. Maybe your reader didn't really need that scene about your main character picking up dog poop and gagging because they have a strong sense of smell...that never circles back around to being relevant. These are issues you may be blind to, especially if you have an author's natural attachment to a story. Many of us consider our books our babies in a way; you put a ton of time and energy into writing a book. A TON. Authors deserve a major shout out for the work they put into crafting a story. Cutting several irrelevant chapters is hard to do until someone tells you it needs to be done (and even then it can be painful!). Editors and beta readers are extraordinarily good at telling you what can go and what needs to be developed further. This is key to building and maintaining a good story.

Finally, even if your work is seemingly perfect, don't you want someone to read it? Every good writer I have ever encountered has experienced self-doubt. Some really excellent writers experience self-doubt to a crippling extent. I have always been impressed with my husband's writing. His first draft reads like a final draft in my opinion. He is a slow, meticulous writer. He takes his time to articulate everything perfectly. And guess what? He still needs a first, critical reader. He needs someone to tell him it's good and to keep going.

Let someone read it. Let them find your little mistakes that your eyes cannot see anymore. Let them tell you what works and what doesn't. That support really helps make your writing the best that it can be.

Alright, I have some reading and writing to do, and I bet you do too, so consider this gentle encouragement: it will not get written unless you write it! Get going!

I'll also admit to being in a bit of a brain fog...we have been engaged in a lot of family activities over the last few weeks , and my toddler and I both need a solid brain break. Baby will be here relatively soon (end of May). Oh, which means I DEFINITELY have some reading and writing to do!

Edit: Three of my Most Common Editing Suggestions

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 13:09:29 GMT

My thoughts on reading aloud, passive voice, and contractions

It is time for a post focused on the often cumbersome task of editing. I decided a few weeks ago that my first editing post would focus on three of my most frequently doled out editing recommendations. I have edited and commented on all types of writing, from the densely academic to just-for-fun fiction and everything in between. There are three things I find myself suggesting to almost every single writer across all genres and projects.

1) Read your work aloud. I know it is an obnoxious piece of advice to receive. I know, because I was on the receiving end of it years ago, and I rolled my eyes when professors kept suggesting it. Most of us feel a little silly when we sit alone in a room and read our work aloud (you are an especially brave soul if you can read your work aloud in a coffee shop, though I have managed to master mumbling my work aloud while my toddler sleeps). But let me tell you: it works .

Reading aloud can shift the way your brain looks at the words, and you often notice things you did not notice before (especially that typo or off word in a paragraph you read silently 50 times before and thought for sure was just perfect). It also allows to you hear what the writing may sound like in the mind of your reader. It is extraordinarily useful for recognizing clunky wording and clumsy dialogue.

I recommend reading aloud when you have gotten to the point where you just do not want to look at it anymore. It gives you a fresh perspective (so does changing the font style or size, if you want to try that method too). If you read it aloud and still think it sounds great...then it is time to hit the send button and get it out to some readers! Reading aloud is always my last step before putting my written work out into the world, and I never regret it.

2) Avoid the passive voice. If you have been writing long enough you have probably heard this one. You probably heard it in high school English classes. Maybe it always seems too technical to think about: Is this passive? Who is taking the action here? What's my subject and my verb and their relationship to each other? In all likelihood you just want to write and not think too hard about the technical aspects of subject and verb actions. So let me phrase this a different way. Make your writing exciting. Give your characters the power and make sure they are taking action.

Instead of: The bone was tossed to the dog by the toddler.

Try: The toddler tossed the bone to the dog.

Notice there are fewer words in the second sentence (which is almost always a good thing in almost all writing). Here is a sentence that is, in my opinion, even stronger:

The toddler tosses the bone to the dog.

One of my best and most critical readers (shout out here to the discerning eye of my husband, who reads dense philosophy in his free time) told me, after reading a very early draft of my novel, that he would rather it be in present tense. You remember the eye roll with the suggestion to read aloud? My reaction to this suggestion was more of a whole body shudder of horror. You want me to change my whole novel - written in past tense - to present? Are you kidding me?!

But he was right. So right. I started the shift when I started writing Part III, and I realized it sounded so much better. There was more urgency and intensity. The writing was clearer, more condensed and easier to follow. I no longer had to fight with rewording sentences to avoid word redundancies (such as "he had had a bad time"...oh man that is bad).

Past tense is perfectly okay; I am not trying to say it isn't. Some of the best writing and most famous literature out there is in past tense. But there is something to be said for the simplicity of the present tense and the intensity it can give to your action, especially in fiction.

3) Use contractions minimally. This one is probably a bias of mine from years of academic writing, where the use of contractions and any informality in writing was firmly drilled out of me. I have gotten a little looser in recent years. I acknowledge that it often feels more natural to write "can't" than "cannot", "isn't" than "is not". However, I still find that too many contractions, even in fictional work, reads as a little too informal to me. Sometimes a contraction just fits better, but if there are multiple contractions on a page, my "red pen" usually starts slashing them.

An exception to this is in dialogue or first person writing that is meant to be expressed in a particular way. There absolutely should be contractions in dialogue, maybe even a lot of them, as contractions are common in speech and even more common in certain dialects (sometimes "ain't" is needed and appropriate: use it!). This is another reason I think contractions should only be used minimally elsewhere in your work; it differentiates your narrator from the characters in the book. If your narrator is a character (first person) and has a particular way of speaking, then I can make more room for contractions. Just make sure they fit with how your character speaks and are not just an easy way to write and think.

Generally speaking, I remove all contractions from academic and nonfiction writing, and I recommend you do too. It makes your work seem a lot more professional and less personal...it also makes it feel more omniscient and authoritative.

For those of you still reading, what do you think? Do you agree or disagree with these points? They are not hard and fast rules...just some of the most common pieces of advice I give (and have been given). I am very curious what other writers, readers and editors might think. Feel free to agree or disagree in the comments!

I highly anticipate getting much busier in the next few weeks with business related work (woohoo!), but I always have more blog posts planned. Stay tuned for a "thinking" themed post on nonfiction/historical writing, a "writing" post discussing why even writers who edit need editors, and a "reading" review on an up and coming new writer...that one you absolutely will not want to miss!

Read: Authors R. L. Stine, Nnedi Okorafor and Edgar Allen Poe

Wed, 22 Feb 2023 16:13:15 GMT

Stine and Okorafor Speak at the Poe Museum's Centennial Celebration

What do R. L. Stine and Nnedi Okorafor have in common? On the surface, not a whole lot. Stine is a 79 year old white male best known for his horror series for children and young adults. Most of us have heard of Goosebumps , which boomed in the 1990s, and many of his original Goosebumps readers (primarily Millennials) transitioned to reading the Fear Street series as teenagers. He is extremely prolific, having written literally hundreds of books. I devoured his work as a 1990s kid, and he remains a popular horror author for children. Here is something you may not know about Stine: he is hilarious . In fact, he started his writing career writing joke books for kids. Someone suggested he write a horror novel instead. He did, and it became a bestseller. So he wrote another. That one became a bestseller too. So he said forget comedy (his words). The rest is history.

You may not have heard of Okorafor directly, but you are almost certainly familiar with her work: she authored the Black Panther comics. That is far from all, however. She has written multiple comics, novels (including series), and screenplays. Born in America to Nigerian parents, she is 48. She classifies her work as African futurism and African jujuism. Her work is a beautiful mix of fantasy, science fiction, and African culture. Her book Who Fears Death is slated to become an HBO series. That is the work I chose to read before hearing her speak. Who Fears Death is an excellent blend of fantastical elements and real social issues. I highly recommend it.

So what do these two authors have in common? They have very different life experiences, are of different generations, and write in different genres. They have some different views on the meaning of writing. However, t hey have both written fiction for young adults and had their works adapted for film and television. They are cultural icons. They also offer some similar advice for writers. One piece I have heard from every author I have ever heard speak: you have to read prolifically in order to write. They also agreed that writing is their lifeblood; they are not sure what they would do if they were not writers.

Okorafor and Stine were both selected to speak at the centennial celebration for Richmond's Poe Museum. Despite admitting that Poe did not have much of an influence on them directly (neither spoke extensively on Poe, mostly focusing on their own works and writing experience), they both acknowledged Poe's influence on American literature. Okorafor noted that "Poe looms large." Stine remembered reading Poe's works in horror anthologies he was drawn to as a kid.

Poe's influence on American literature and culture more broadly is undeniable. Many of you have probably watched the new Netflix show Wednesday. ..Poe is an important historic figure in that show. Poe lived with adoptive parents in Richmond, spending his formative years here. I highly recommend a visit to the Poe Museum if you find yourself in the Richmond area. It is a quaint little space and always changing. You will be surprised at the kinds of things you will learn. Did you know that Poe also wrote science fiction? That he was remarkably unsuccessful in college? He went into gambling debt while at the University of Virginia. His adoptive father wanted him to take over the family tobacco business (a classic Virginia industry) but ultimately ended up cutting Poe off financially. Poe's path lie elsewhere. His life is a "follow your dreams" story. Can you imagine American literature without "The Raven" or the "Pit and the Pendulum" or the "Tell-Tale Heart"? Even authors like Stine and Okorafor, who admit to not having been greatly influenced by Poe directly, are familiar with and impacted by his work. The authors that influenced them, for example, were almost certainly influenced by the work of Poe. Poe was a pioneer in the genres Stine and Okorafor are famous for.

We are long past the opportunity to hear horror master and great American poet Edgar Allen Poe speak, but I have always loved hearing writers talk at events, especially if I have read their work. You get to see the incredible duality of the author. When you read them, they are an often ambiguous Creator. When you hear them speak, you see them as a person. You begin to understand what influences and what drives them. It provides a completely new kind of depth the next time you pick up one of their works.

I could write much more about these three authors. I am drawn to each of them for different reasons: Poe for his darkness turned to success, Stine for his influence on my childhood, and Okorafor for her meaningful approach to the sci fi/fantasy genre. For the sake of time and brevity, I want to close with a discussion of the meaning of a writer's work. During the discussion portion of the event, Okorafor and Stine were asked, "How do you make a story both meaningful and entertaining?"

I know enough of Poe to know that he did this by writing from his own trauma and pain. I imagine that many of his stories came from a need to purge some of the darkness in his own mind. Readers do find that darkness entertaining...but we all also find it meaningful, because we have all experienced darkness in our ways. That madness and pain is fascinating but also frighteningly relatable. Aren't most modern peoples a little mad?

Okorafor said that she did not necessarily approach writing a story with the idea of making it meaningful. However, she said that meaning comes from within. When she writes a story, something about it compels her to put it on the page (I interpret this, again, as a need to purge). Her works do address social issues and generational trauma, including violence and genocide, female genital mutilation, and prescribed gender roles. I find her work meaningful because it addresses these social issues and speaks to lived experiences, even when the main characters are powerful sorcerers. Her stories are powerful and empowering in more than one way.

Stine's answer to this question was interesting. He said that his stories aren't meaningful. He says he writes simple to entertain. He writes for fun and enjoyment and does not think about social issue or meaning as he does so. I, however, do not think he gives himself enough credit. There absolutely is meaning in his work: his novels have influenced generations of children. In some cases, he inspired children to read. In others, he inspired children to write. He himself noted receiving letters and comments from people telling him that his books helped them get through traumatic life events and difficult childhoods. There is certainly meaning in that. There is meaning in the ability to entertain and to inspire. There is meaning in being able to pull your reader into a story and have them become invested in it. If nothing else it builds imagination, and that is am important trait for children and adults alike to obtain and maintain.

I highly recommend reading each of these authors...I reread Goosebumps #1 Welcome to Dead House after hearing Stine speak and still thoroughly enjoyed it. I loved Okorafor's adult themes and mystical elements. And Poe...well Poe is Poe. You won't regret diving into his works either.

If you have questions about this event, the Poe Museum, or any of these authors, please feel free to drop a note below! I would love to hear from you.

Interlude: My Insides Exploded

Tue, 14 Feb 2023 16:08:28 GMT

My appendix ruptured...at 23 weeks pregnant

I excitedly launched my business Friday, January 20, fully anticipating spending at least a few hours a day working on networking, writing, and blogging. On Monday, January 23, I had very stressful day, but my husband and I still made it that night to see R.L. Stine and Nnedi Okorafor speak in downtown Richmond. Writing about that event was meant to be my next blog post.

The powers of the universe, for several years, have really enjoyed making sure I know better than to rely too heavily on "plans" (I am sure this is true for many of us). Around lunch time on Tuesday I started having bad stomach pains, and I couldn't hold down any food. This happened three times over the last year but never while I was pregnant. Typically, the pain would be severe for a day or two and then gradually dissipate. I have always had a problematic stomach, so I just figured this was a new gastrointestinal issue. I did not know what triggered it, though I supposed stress could do it. I was completely down on Tuesday, but Wednesday and Thursday I managed to function somewhat. I did laundry, ate a little, and even took a neighbor for cataract surgery. By Thursday night I was weary of the pain, but still assumed I would be better in a few days.

Friday morning, still hurting, I refused bacon at breakfast. Rowan, my two-year-old, said it was because my tummy hurt and that I should go to the doctor. Someone asked him if he wanted to go to the doctor, and he said, "No, me scared!" After breakfast I had an important call that went well. Then an hour later, I was completely struck down with debilitating pain. I do not know what being stabbed in the gut with two butcher knives actually feels like, but if I had to guess, I'd imagine it felt something like what I was feeling.

I have always avoided going to the hospital at all costs. I have only ever been once before in my life and that was only for a few hours (and after an urgent care turned me away). But I knew in that moment that one of us - me or my baby - was dying. I told my mom to call my husband's work and asked my step-dad for a ride to the hospital. Every bump in the road hurt. I stood in line at the ER check-in trembling and breathing heavily. The woman in front of me was asking where she could take some clothes. There were no wheelchairs or seats available. I did not know how I would be able to stand a long wait, but as soon as I told them I was 23 weeks pregnant and in severe abdominal pain, they kicked someone out of a wheelchair and rushed me to Labor and Delivery.

I was in the hospital for almost a week: from Friday morning to Thursday afternoon. For the last few weeks I have thought a lot about how much and what to post here. As a writer, when big events happen in my life I usually have to write them down in some capacity. It helps me process what happened and remember it more clearly down the road. This was quite the experience, and I could write a great deal about it. It took twelve hours, an ultrasound, and an MRI for them to figure out what was wrong with me. It took a day and a half for them to take my appendix out. It was the weekend, I am pregnant, and they wanted a certain doctor to do the surgery. I felt my care was good overall, but I do think a day and a half is too long to sit with a ruptured appendix. I ended up with a large internal abscess. My appendix was described, in my medical report, as "disrupted, torn and tattered" with "a somewhat necrotic dusky mucosa." Other notes say that I had gangrene. I was extremely dehydrated (I had no idea), and my potassium was so low I was on potassium the entire week. My insides were in bad, bad shape. The pain was truly excruciating. I would give unmedicated childbirth five more times rather than experience that pain again. I am NOT kidding.

After my surgery I spent another five days in the hospital due to ileus (my intestines not functioning or contracting like they are supposed to). I had a drainage tube for nine days due to my abscess. There is a lot to be said about long hospital nights. My back was wrecked trying to get comfortable (I'll reiterate here: I'm also PREGNANT). I had five IVs and over a dozen needle pricks. The discomfort of the IVs added insult to injury. I was limited in the pain medicine I could take or stomach. I felt when my intestines started up; there was a new rolling pain as they started working again.

Over the last few days I have started to feel more like myself (if pretty pregnant). The ache where my appendix once was has finally subsided, and the cuts in my abdomen are healing well. I am still not supposed to lift more than 20 pounds in case of a hernia (my surgeon said hernias are "no big deal, just another surgery" which is a really easy thing for a surgeon, who will never be pregnant, to say). I am weak and out of shape. I have a new understanding of my body and its strength, but perhaps even more importantly, I have a special understanding of the strength of my baby. I was told, when they discovered my appendix issue, that the chance of fetal loss was 5%. However, that was assuming uncomplicated appendicitis. With the added complications of rupture, abscess, gangrene, and a few days of sitting with that, the chance of fetal loss was actually as high as 36%. Just a few weeks before all of this happened, I told my husband that this baby is an especially strong one. He asked why I thought so. I told him I just knew; there is a special strength to him. I am even more confident in the truth of that now. He was generally unfazed by the whole affair, reassuring me with steady heartbeats and kicks to my sore insides. This experience made me feel more connected to him. This little babe was there with me throughout this whole long, complicated process, including surgery and sedation.

Truthfully, I learned a lot over the last few weeks, and that is really what I wanted to share here. I have never experienced anything like this before. Hospital stays are foreign to me: I gave birth to Rowan in a birth center - a lovely home with a large bathtub and gentle lighting - with midwives. I have experienced unmedicated childbirth and plenty of discomfort in my life, but never the kind of pain I felt when my appendix ruptured...and then sat there inside of me, leaking fluid and rotting. I came to understand how I deal with pain in a new way. I am not a moaner or extremely vocal complainer (I heard some of those while admitted), but I cannot do much when in that level of pain. I have always told myself to take a book everywhere I go. You never know when there will be an emergency, and if you end up in the hospital you will have a lot of down time. Yes, I thought about that before! Even that Friday, when I knew something in me was dying, I grabbed a book and shoved it in my bag. Books have always been my escape from the pain of reality. However, I was unable to read the entire time I was in the hospital. The first few days I could not even focus on the TV. All I could do was lay in my hospital bed, willing the pain to subside and watching the clock. A day or so after my surgery I could kind of watch TV, but I was still uncomfortable and in pain (7/10 rather than a 10/10). I was not resting well between interruptions and an inability to get comfortable in my hospital bed. I just could not focus on the written word at all. It wasn't until I came home and was able to sleep a little better, that I could escape into a good book.

I learned what a person in severe pain does and does not need to hear. I know many of us do not always know what to say to someone who is suffering in a way we have never experienced. I am sure I have struggled with that in the past. I found that people saying things like "wait and see" or "it'll pass" or "just take it easy" did not help me. It felt borderline dismissive and minimizing. All I could do was wait, and I knew that. My care was completely out of my control. My body has told me to take it easy; there is only so much I can do. And the fact that the pain will not last forever does not help. In that moment the pain is almost all there is. The statements that really helped me were those that acknowledged and validated my pain, such as "I'm so sorry, I have heard that is so painful" or "That sounds horrible!" or even "OMG that sucks!!!" Those statements make you and your agony feel seen. My surgeon seemed so nonchalant before my surgery, and I could not understand why it took them so long to get that painful little bugger out of me. The next day however, he acknowledged: "You were in bad shape." I needed to hear that, because boy did I FEEL that.

When something like this happens, you also discover who shows up for you and how. My parents helped considerably with looking after Rowan; we had never been apart from each other for so long, and it was difficult for both of us. Rowan even spent a few nights sleeping with my mom. People sent flowers, a fruit bouquet, and a teddy bear. My sister brought me my favorite meal after I got home (Vietnamese vermicelli with spring rolls, if you are curious) and spent a day helping around the house. My dad and step-mom visited me in the hospital. My dad even cancelled plans with friends one day to come sit with me, because he couldn't go hang out and have fun with me laid up in a hospital bed. My sister-in-law also visited. Some people called and texted regularly to see how I was doing. Another friend brought me a card and a gift card for food. All of that support really meant a lot. When suffering in that way and stuck in the hospital, you do feel very isolated. Little gifts and hellos went a long way in brightening my days and distracting me from my predicament.

My husband, Dominic, stepped up in a special way. He took over so many of my duties at home even after I was home, including cosleeping with Rowan (which is very difficult for him to do, as such a light sleeper). He used up vacation time and spent hours upon hours with me in the hospital. On some days I told him to take Rowan to the park or to my dad's, and he did all of that readily. He took great care of me too. He brought me food when I asked for it, helped me shower, helped me change the bandages around my drain, and took me to the doctor when I didn't feel comfortable driving yet. He did it all without a single complaint. He was exactly the reliable steady presence I needed. He was there before my surgery and right after. He waited with me for all my tests and witnessed my frustration with things like poorly inserted IVs and bad hospital food. He never questioned my experience, feelings, or requests. I am so thankful to have him, and this experience only solidified what I have known for 15 years: I have a better life partner than I could have ever asked for. Thank goodness for that too...soon we will have a toddler AND an infant...that will take all the teamwork we can muster!

If you have read this far, thank you for sticking with me. My next post will be more in line with what I originally intended. It will focus on the R.L. Stine and Nnedi Okorafor event. I just could not go off the web and without a post for so long without this discussion. Consider it one of my "thinking" themed posts.

If you have questions or topic suggestions, I am open to those too. Thank you for reading!